Stick to these rules to have the best time at your next strip club visit
Your Mileage May Vary. Everybody says it, but what does it really mean? More importantly, what can you do to improve your mileage? It occurs to me that as a rule, I get pretty high mileage when I go to strip clubs. And it’s not because I’m a great looking guy. Truth be told, I’m overweight, pushing 50 and far from poster boy quality in the looks department. But what I do have going for me is a good attitude and pleasant personality coupled with a deep, abiding love of the fairer sex. Against better judgment, and at the risk of increasing the competition, I thought I might share some of the things I’ve learned in the form of a list of dos and don’ts for strip clubs.

1) Hygiene
Good hygiene is a must. You don’t want to snuggle up to someone with body odor and bad breath and neither does your favorite dancer! If you’re going to a club straight from work, take a Zip-Lock bag with a washrag and hand towel, a toothbrush and tooth paste, some deodorant and cologne with you when you go to work, and use them in the bathroom or locker room before you leave work and head for the club. If you are going out straight from home, BATHE first! It’s only a half-hour out of your life and it makes a big difference to the girls. And don’t forget to always bring a package of breath mints (Mints are much better than gum... you don’t want to sit there smacking away like a cow chewing on it's cud!)

2) Clothing
Dress for success. This doesn’t mean you have to wear a suit and tie. But it does mean wear something clean and nice. Consider for a moment that your objective is to have beautiful women rub their naked bodies against you for an extended period of time and this becomes obvious. Clean clothes tell her that you care about your appearance and items like a soft shirt and pair of “Dockers”-type slacks are just more comfortable for the girl to rub up against. A dancer once told me that she hates to dance for guys wearing jeans because the denim fabric is too rough against her legs and breasts and hurts her. Cutoff jeans and torn sleeveless tee shirts are fine for a quick pickup game of basketball but are totally inappropriate at a gentleman’s club. Remember that most dancers keep a mental list of who they will or will not approach and this decision is most likely based on outward appearance, so why limit your options?

3) Manners
Mind your manners and be polite. Treating the dancers with respect will help to earn their respect. This is important because they are far less likely to treat someone they respect like an ATM machine with a pulse. For example, never just reach out and touch a dancer. It’s rude, and regardless of the environment, no one wants to be pawed and groped. Ask her first if you may touch her, as in “Your skin looks so soft, may I touch you?” She will most likely agree (assuming it’s legal) and will enjoy your touch. Most women like to be touched gently so once you are over the “OK, you can touch me” hurdle, continue to resist the urge to grope. Treat her gently. Begin by lightly stroking the skin of her upper arm and shoulder or the outside of her thigh with the tips of your fingers. These areas are not overtly sexual, but are still sensitive and therefore sexy. Having successfully laid the groundwork, later on, when she is giving you a private dance, she may let you proceed to touching more secretive areas.

4) Be Complimentary
Every woman likes to be told that she is attractive and dancers are no exception. But try to be original, or at least creative. Telling her she is beautiful or has pretty eyes won’t get it; she hears that every day. Instead, take the time to figure out what makes her special and compliment that. Try telling her that you think she has great hair or nice skin, or even that she has a nice voice or that she smells really good. Tell her that the outfit she’s wearing, (the one she probably spent a good deal of time backstage deciding to wear) looks great on her. The key here is to make the compliment unique and thereby both memorable and believable. One final note, refrain from comments of a sexually frank nature. Remarks like “You’ve got a great butt” and “Nice rack”, do not qualify as either original or creative. Once, in conversation with a dancer I had just met, I told her, “You have a great look, you should try modeling. You could be in Playboy.” She shook her head no, “I don’t have any boobs” she replied. “Doesn’t matter”, I laughed, “you have the face of an angel.” I was rewarded with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

5) Conversation
Be mindful of what you say in conversation. Remember that these girls work together and that GIRLS TALK! If you bad rap one girl to another you could very well be talking about her best friend. This can black ball you not only with the girls you’re talking to and about, but ALL of their buddies as well. You could easily end up without a friend in the entire club. Besides that, the girl is bound to figure that you’ll probably complain about her to the next girl you talk to. How do I know that the girls share information? I was recently on my second visit to a new club and a dancer I did not know walked up to me and asked me for a dance. As I stood there talking to her, she let a personal detail slip that could only have been known by someone I had already danced with. It was obvious to me that someone I had danced with the first time I was there had told her!

5) Honesty
While we’re on the subject of conversation, never lie to the girl. Tell the truth. She doesn’t care if you’re a big shot or a little fish. She doesn’t care if you are married, separated, divorced or single. None of these is going to make a difference in the way she treats you. She cares that you are going to spend money on private dances with her and that you are going to treat her like a human being, but beyond that, her interest in you is just about nil! But, the lie you tell will always come back to haunt you. Worse still, in order to lie successfully, you have to remember what lies you’ve told and who you’ve told them to. That takes a great deal of both energy and concentration. Your mental focus and energy is better spent playing with girls than remembering what you told them the last time you were there.

6) Be Understanding
These girls are standing on six-inch heels ALL NIGHT LONG! While you are sitting with her waiting for a song to end so you can have your private dance, offer to rub her shoulders or even give her a foot massage. This game isn’t all about you even though you’re footing the bill! Treat her like a partner instead of a servant and she will reciprocate. When I’m getting to know a new girl, I always ask her how she likes to be touched. It’s just common sense that she is far less likely to ask you not to touch her if she likes the way it feels! A dancer I know once told me that when a man runs a finger up her spine it turns her knees to jelly. ChaChing! This is solid information! It should go without saying that the better you make her feel, the better she’s going to want to make you feel, and isn’t that what it’s all about?

8) Rules
Every dancer has boundaries and trying to force your way through them is a bad idea. Find out what the rules are and work within them. Your dancer will be far more likely to take you right up to the line if she believes that you aren’t spending the evening plotting how to cross it! Trust is the key here. If she doesn’t want you to touch her PoPo, well, life is full of disappointments. Get over it. Act like a man, not a petulant child! Always remember that she doesn’t owe you anything. The $20 or $30 dollars you paid her were in exchange for 5 minutes of her time. What she does with that 5 minutes is entirely her choice. Trying to get over on her will only alienate her, and maybe her friends (see #5).

9) Finances
Don’t be cheap, but always invest wisely. Going to strip clubs costs money and that’s a fact. But that doesn’t mean that it has to break you. In fact, with a little forethought, you can still have a lot of fun and stay within your budget. The trick is to make the money you do spend count. For example, many clubs will have the waitresses ask the customers to buy $10-dollar drinks for the dancers. Now, the fact of the matter is, the dancers don’t really want a drink, the club just wants to make more money! Whenever I’m asked I politely refuse and after the waitress leaves I explain to the dancer that I would rather give her the money than give it to the club. Then I do just that. I give her $10 dollars and tell her she can buy a drink if she wants one! You’d be amazed at the reactions I get. The last time I did this the girl not only hung out with me for the rest of the evening, she also fended off the waitresses for me all night!

10) Wins and Losses
An important part of improving your average at the clubs lies in knowing when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. An incredibly beautiful dancer who gives you a lap dance that’s all air is no bargain. Always remember: Never let emotion make critical decisions for you. It’s easy to tell when a dancer is going to be a lousy lap. You can read it in her body language and in her attitude. You know by the things she says and the way she treats you. Cut these girls loose at the starting gate. It does not matter if she is totally your type and the hottest girl you have ever seen. If she is a mercenary, she is never going to take you where you want to go! It’s far better to give those $20 bucks to an “8” who wants to wind your clock then to an “11” whose only desire is to drain your resources.

11) Listen
Become a sparkling conversationalist and shut your mouth! When you get into a conversation with a dancer, let her lead. Answer her questions but don’t forget to ask some too. This will accomplish two things. First, it will give you insight into who she is. But, just as important, it will give you a chance to weed out the girls who just want to lay a “stripper rap” on you for the purpose of extracting more cash. And when you do talk, talk about something you really enjoy. You’ll be more animated and into talking about something you love and she’ll hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes. Music, DVD’s, books and television are all good topics for conversation, but try to stay away from controversial topics like politics or abortion. There’s no point in becoming involved in an argument and you never can tell what it is that she’s passionate about!

12) Have FUN
Keep things light and casual. Smile and have a good time. Don’t make the evening too serious. Unwind and have a little fun! The more “importance” you place on the transaction, the less the girls will want to play with you and worse still, a serious attitude is an open invitation to the sharks who are only there to clean out your wallet! Recently, a dancer in a club I was visiting made it a point to come by and “check on me” every half-hour or so. She knew I wasn’t interested in her (I had declined her offer early on in my visit) and in fact she never asked me for a dance. She just liked the fact that I was smiling and having a good time, and in fact, she even introduced me to a couple of other dancers that I was interested in but hadn’t managed to attract on my own.

That’s it. Now are you ready to tune up your jalopy and take it out for a road trip?

Gentlemen, start your engines!